Name: The Saltburn bath bomb.
Age: Brand new.
Appearance: Milky. Salty.
I don’t know what Saltburn is. OK, we’ll start at the beginning. Saltburn is a film written and directed by the Oscar-winning film-maker Emerald Fennell, about a young man who causes chaos when he’s invited to stay at a stately home.
What does this have to do with bath bombs? Ah, this is going to be difficult to explain if you haven’t seen the film. Tell you what, it’s streaming on Amazon at the moment. Go and watch it, then come back in about 50 minutes.
If you insist, but this doesn’t seem like a particularly good use of my time … Oh my God. Right?
What the hell did I just watch? Right? It gets a lot worse from there, but this is generally the point where people start to realise that Saltburn probably isn’t going to be the sedate aristocratic drama they thought it was.
Hang on a minute – someone made a bath bomb of that? Yes, they did. Spoiler alert: someone made a bath bomb of the scene where Barry Keoghan watches Jacob Elordi masturbate in the bath, then sneaks in and licks the plughole.
For real? For real. Lush has just released Saltbomb, which it describes thus: “Lap it up, Saltbomb’s salty, milky bath water is fit for a stately splurge … Sharing a fragrance with our all-year-round moisturising bubble bar, Milky Bath … [it leaves] the bather with silky smooth bath water they’ll want to treasure every last drop of.”
I’m going to be sick. Then definitely don’t look at Etsy.
Why? It is absolutely teeming with Saltburn products, many of which come in the form of candles that smell like Elordi’s bathwater.
So, bathwater plus … Yes, best not to dwell on it. Plus an enterprising Australian cocktail brand has just brought out its own Saltburn-inspired drink. It’s gin, lychee martini and coconut milk, if you’re interested.
I’m not interested, thank you very much. But how amazing is this? So many films would give their left leg to become the sort of all-encompassing pop culture phenomenon that Saltburn is now. Nobody made cocktails or bath bombs that had anything to do with, I don’t know, Avatar 2.
That might be because Avatar 2 didn’t include any scenes where a young man ruins the idea of baths for ever. Well, I guess there’s always Avatar 3.
Do say: “Saltburn’s weirdest moment is now immortalised as a hygiene product.”
Don’t say: “I’d rather wait for the official Saltburn soil dibber, thanks.”